Tuesday, March 27, 2007


For the last 48 hours I have failed to acquire noodles.

It's not exactly a challenge to the Great White Hunter, is it? It's not as if they run really fast, or have sharp claws, or only live on one small island in the Pacific ocean...

Yet still they elude me. Invisible carbohydrate worms that fly in the night. Snug in their vaccuum packs, they mock my failure.

But I will have my vengeance. Soon they will feel the heat of my sesame oil, and taste the wrath of my soy sauce. This I swear on the graves of my forefathers. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Those little bastards will wish they'd never been extruded.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

That was no crisp packet...

Secretary General "Soooo Did Not" Soil Underwear - Spokesman

Mr Ban flinched and momentarily half-ducked behind the table before recovering his composure. Mr Maliki did not react.

In honour of the admirable sang froid displayed by the Iraqi prime minister in this incident, Whispers & Moans proudly nominates Mr. Maliki for the Nonchalant Dude of the Year Award.

It later transpired that the shell had exploded a mere 50 metres away. The cucumber-cool PM barely
blinked! How hard is that?

It's regrettable that, by reacting as any sane human would do to a concussive blastwave invading one's personal space, Mr. Ban has now characterised himself as - in the parlance of international diplomacy - "a complete wuss". Personally, I wouldn't go within 1,000 miles of Baghdad, so I think it only fair to judge his wussness in the proper perspective.

Glad you're okay, Mr. Secretary General.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Televideomatica Digitalis

This morning, a friendly Virgin cable gnome visited and left behind Digital TV. Coming to the medium this late, I'm hardly overwhelmed, but I must say that "On Demand" is rather jolly, and should up my viewing hours a bit. Last week's "Eastenders" - um, no thanks, but a whole series of "Alias" or "CSI" might ease insomnia now and then.

Of course, what I really want is next weeks National Lottery show. It doesn't seem to work that way, sadly. I tried to fast-forward through a football match, but it wouldn't work; I still had to wait 90 minutes to find out who won! Hardly very space-age, Mr. Branson!

Let's hope these are just teething troubles, eh?

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Everybody's High

Coffee 'no boost in the morning'

Okay, so what next? Can we redefine hunger as "food withdrawal"? If I have a headache, am I just in paracetamol cold turkey?

It's one of those findings that make you think - okay, very interesting, but what actual difference does it make? Very few people are going to be willing to give up coffee, so most will still need that first kick in order to get going.

I write as an ex caffeine-head who now sips the very occasional decaff americano; but I find a can of Coke hugely invigorating, whether it's my fourth of the day, or my first in weeks, both of which happen regularly. Maybe I should report to a laboratory...?