Thursday, April 19, 2012

Khan's Explosive Replay

Mass-murderer, tyrant and all-round historical bad-boy Genghis Khan prepared for his sweeping attacks on medieval Eurasian populations by playing the popular computer game "Civilization", according to new research.

"Civilization, or 'Civ' as we call it, contains many graphic scenes of invasion, genocide and diplomatic aggression" said Dr. John Packman-Dunnett, lecturer in Digital Perversions at Whitehouse College, Durham. "Its online communities are the perfect breeding-ground for would-be dictators and violent revolutionaries to hone their skills."

New evidence unearthed by Dr Packman-Dunnett's team of researchers strongly suggests that an early version of Sid Meier's classic turn-based strategy game was played by young Genghis with his friends on the steppes of Mongolia in the 12th Century. Written parchments apparently show references to Civilization gameplay; one hastily-scribbled line of heiroglyphs appears to say "...Give us more swords, noble leader" and later, "We laugh at your puny threats!"

"This material is clearly inflammatory, and would have had a formative influence on the mind of a young peasant in such turbulent times" said junior researcher Mario Zeeval, "playing this game gave Khan the tools to sweep across Asia in a frenzied killing spree."

Lawyers for MicroProse, original makers of Civilization, have denied that early "beta" test versions of the game were released to the medieval Asian market without proper safeguards and age-restrictions. But this rings hollow to critics, who will see this as another example of the dangers of an unregulated video games industry.

"Where do we think the next Genghis Khan is coming from?" asks Packman-Dunnett with barely-concealed horror. "Is he upstairs in your own home, right now, selling his libraries to build catapults...?"

This post is a satirical response to this story in "The Guardian"... Shame on them.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Britain's Football Fans "Vilified", Warns Hill

Football fans are being "persceuted" and "marginalized" in modern Britain, according to Fulham legend and former "Match Of The Day" presenter Jimmy Hill.

Hill claims that the interests of fans of the "beautiful game" have been systematically attacked by "...the creeping establishment of a new orthodoxy made up of women, sport-haters and people with a so-called 'sense of proportion'."

"In modern Britain, it seems it's okay to like rugby, lacrosse, bongo-bongo-ball or somesuch" he continued, "but woe betide you if you like a harmless bit of footie. Football is being driven underground. Just take a look at the TV schedule - you'd be hard-pressed to find more than 4 hours of soccer-related content per day on any one channel. Some channels show no football at all!"

Pointing to a spate of recent stories about football fans being prevented from wearing replica shirts in the workplace, Hill cites these as further evidence of an anti-football groundswell. "It's outrageous that people can't turn up for work in a garishly striped nylon vest bearing an inapproproately prominent sponsor's logo. I mean, what's wrong with that?" he pleads passionately. "Some people say they look 'common', but they cost more than an M&S cotton formal shirt and a silk tie, for heaven's sake. It's just more soccerphobia, it's truly disgusting. They wouldn't dare tell a cricket fan he couldn't wear his shinpads to work, just because he was a swimming-pool attendant or something."

Prominent academic and football critic A.C. Pevsner recently accused Hill - amongst other soccer luminaries - of being "...unable to access reality in non-football-related terms", a charge which the "Hero of Highbury '72" firmly rejects. "Not only did Pevsner come at me with a meritless ad hominem argument" Hill retorts, "but he did so from what was quite clearly an offside position."

Speaking from an office in the £800m Wembley Stadium, Hill bemoaned the gradual erosion of football values in this new society. "When was the last time you someone throw themselves to the floor, writhing in imaginary agony when approached by a stranger? That kind of thing is frowned upon now, apparently. Excessive gambling, getting in fights at airports, wife-beating; all these time-honoured traditions are under threat because of the dictats of a few trendy intellectuals and judges. The innocent, every day football fan has become a pariah in his own country." he continues, "He can't even chant one of his sacred hymnals in public without being castigated for sexism, racism, or queerbashism or whatever."

But not everyone agrees with the prognathous pundit. Alison McDonnegal, chairperson of pressure group "Not Again, Isn't There Something Else On?" (NAITSEO) responded "For Mr. Hill to suggest that football fans are being persecuted is disingenuous in the extreme. Some people don't like football. Get over it."

This post is a satirical response to this story as reported in The Telegraph... and just about everywhere else.